Matters of the heart.

I started this post at the end of Jan and never went back to it. I think I'm ready to finish it now.


The heart is a funny thing, it keeps you alive, when it stops beating or beats irregularly, or really does anything unusual it can throw everything into a tail spin. Your heart can break when you are sad and it can feel like it's full when you are loved and happy. My heart has hurt a lot this year. It started when my husband told me he didn't want a wife anymore. It felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on and I have been trying to patch it back up and with lots of bandaids and some super glue it was doing pretty good. On Thursday my dad had his second heart attack and when my mom got the call if felt like my heart stopped then it started racing. All I could think about is the what ifs..... We had no other info than he was in the hospital and we were terrified. I can't imagine living without my daddy. I'm so thankful that they had him in the cath lab so quickly and he was in and out of surgery in 20 mins and there was no heart damage. My heart started to heal in Feb but took more of a beating at Valentines than I was expecting. I took a lot of the orders and when the guys would say things like "Love you forever.." I wanted to say "REALLY??? Are you sure because my husband used to say that too and then he changed his mind". My heart hurt and the new scabs were ripped off and salt was rubbed in the open wounds. After Valentines I got a new job and it did my heart good. I needed some validation that I was worth hiring that I was worth keeping around. I started out as a temp worker and they liked me so much they found another job for me. Now I'm doing more and being given more responsibility the longer I stay. They are encouraging me to go back to school and are making sure my schedule is super flexible so I can do all the things I need to do with my personal life. It's the perfect job for me with wonderful people. My heart started to really heal. Through therapy and surrounding myself with family and friends that support me and love me no matter what my heart is in a better place than it's been in a very long time. I realize now just how tender my heart was even while I was still married. N hadn't been taking care of it for a long time and it was so lonely. Now I still have my moments that a memory will make me pause and it will hurt but it's not the stabbing pain that I felt in Jan and it's not the deep ache that I felt in Feb, it's a light throb and then it fades away as quickly as it hit. I will never be the same person that I was last year. I will never be that Heather again. I am stronger and smarter and I'm starting to believe in myself in ways I never did before. I'm beginning to see what everyone else saw but I turned a blind eye too. It's a good feeling. It makes my heart happy.